Second thoughts

I know that I just started my job at NY and Company but I am having second thoughts about it. I feel like I settled for the first job that offered me a position. I want a change of careers; I am kinda sick and tired of working with clothing. I was thinking of working at a restaurant. I am also scared that I am not going to love another job like I loved Motherhood. It's kinda hard to get away from it when I am just right across from Motherhood and that I see my old manager all the time. I miss working with Jennifer, Mary and Dixie. It's not the same without them. Not only that a lot of my associates at NY and Company are planning on leaving. The lady that originally hired me is leaving in two weeks because her lease is up at Layton Meadows and she can't afford it anymore so she is moving in with her mom in Ogden and she doesn't have a car to get to work. It sucks because since the manager is leaving I don't know if they are going to work with my availability because she is the one that does the schedule so I am scared about that.  That is another thing that drives me nuts is I have to drive the managers to the bank to drop off the deposit in the morning which I don't think it's fair. I know that they need a witness when they drop off the deposit but I don't want them to relie on me to drive them. They don't have a car so that is why I have to drive them. And another associate is leaving; the one that got hire on with me because she is allergic to jeans and can't handle the clothing at our store. The clothing is another thing that drives me nuts. I have to wear their clothing to work. Sometimes I don't have the cash to buy my whole wardrobe from NY and Company. I have been having these thoughts for a while. Does everyone think I am not giving it a chance and jumping to too many conclusions? I admit I was excited at first to get a job and that someone was willing to give me a opportunity and work around my availability but I think that excitement has worn off. I was thinking of staying there until I find a new job but I really hate job hunting again. I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to get rid of these feelings.

Sienna's 4th birthday!

This is definitely her personality. Even though she is a girly girl she likes boy things. I think because she has two bigger brothers before her. This was her first game that she choose at Boondocks.

She had so much fun at Boondocks on her birthday today. 

This is what she bought with her gift card from New papa. Stuff for her baby alive that mommy and daddy got for her birthday. I am glad that she bought this stuff because then it will be less messy...lol. She loves her baby alive.

We had her birthday party on Saturday at Nana and Papa's and it was a barbie theme. 

She was suppose to have it outside with a bouncehouse but the weather had other plans. I wished we would of handled the bouncehouse situation a lot better but it is what it is. It is kinda hard to control things when you are at work. It turned out pretty good considering everything. I don't even think she mind that it was inside as long as it was her day.

Her stuff that she got at her party on Saturday.

A little bit about Sienna: She loves to wear dresses and dolls, barbies and anything pink but also loves to play in the dirt. She talks really well and you can have a conversation with her. She is such a diva and knows that she is a Princess. We love her very much! She is going to start preschool this fall and we can't be more excited for her. She is always thinking of always and so friendly. I call her my social butterfly. Just family went to her party on Saturday which was perfect! We love you Sienna Jeanne!!

The Hidden Sage part 2

I went with my mom again and I guess I better let her go by herself next time because she mostly read me this time. I am always amazed with Brenda the medium. There was this picture on my wall that my aunt Renee gave me (she is now deceased). I have had it for over 10 years and I was rearranging pictures on my wall the other day and I just got this feeling to get rid of it. And that it didn't fit in my life anymore. And that is exactly what she said. It's like she took the words right out of my mouth and she wasn't even there when I was telling my mom about it. She told me that Aunt Renee told her that it's time for me to move on and that it doesn't fit in my life anymore. It was kinda creepy that she told me that exact thing. She also told me that I am looking to bigger and better things and that is why it's time to move on. She also said that I can channel people as well which makes sense why all these spirits come to me. I think it's because I am so open minded and that I am always supporting people and encouraging people and I am always there for others. She also said since I channel people that me and my mom needs to help each other through the process which makes sense because me and my mom are so close and I believe in her when at some times she doesn't even believe in herself. I believe that I am here to help her and vice versa. Brenda also said that I need to change my diet which I have been thinking about doing for a while. Maybe I will feel a lot better about myself and move on to bigger and better things with a great diet and exercising. She is always friendly and so good at what she does.

How I have been feeling lately

I have been feeling depressed lately and feel like I am stuck in life. It feels like everyone's else life is moving forward and moving on and I am just stuck. I am not moving forward and I am not moving back. I feel like the world is moving and I am just standing still. Everyone else is having babies and I am done having babies or moving into a new place and I am just staying in the same place. Or everyone else are going on vacations and I am doing nothing because I don't have the money. Chris thinks I am reading way into it but that is how I feel. I feel like I let my family down on many levels. I applied at so many jobs and haven't heard back from any of them. I am pretty sure because it's of my crazy availability but I don't want to have to count on anyone to watch my kids. I am getting to the point where I don't want to apply anywhere else. The other day I was at Family Dollar and they had that flyer back on their door saying they are hiring again which hurt and was a slap in the face because I remember I saw the flyer before and that is why I applied in the first place and then they took it down so I thought they found someone but apparently they didn't. So I am pretty sure I didn't match their qualifications. And then today I just applied at Maverik finally so I don't know how that is going to go. I tried to apply at Smith's Marketplace the new one that is opening in West Point but the only positions they are hiring now is for the jewelry place inside it. Yeah I don't qualify for that for sure so I didn't even bother. I think I waited too long to apply there. I think because I really didn't want to work there. But I guess it gets to a point where you have to stop being picky but I don't want to get a job that I really didn't want and be miserable. I just hope things change soon for me because I don't know how much longer I can feel this way. I just hope I can shake it off and just be grateful for what I have. I am trying. I just don't feel like I am contributing much to my family. I like helping out my family financially because I feel like I am doing something useful. I know it's too hard to explain. Maybe I need to see that Medium for me to see what's in the cards for me because I am lost and don't know where to go from here. I don't know what to do to move forward and I hope I find out soon.

The Hidden Sage

Me and my mom went to see this medium at The Hidden Sage today in Sunset. We were not disappointed at all. She was dead on on a lot of things. I always believed in mediums so it's not hard to believe in this lady named Brenda. She only charged 20 dollars for 20 mins which I thought was very reasonable. Right away she picked up on John's energy. She said that my mom and everyone is still grieving over him and that we need to move on and celebrate his life. That is the only way we are going to move on and that he is going to move on as well. He is doing really good over there. And that his time on earth was done. Which I believe. She even mentioned that he died from an accident and that his anniversary of his death was coming up and that we need to celebrate his life. I remember that Chris was mentioning that as well. It has been over 20 years that he passed and we do need to celebrate his life. He was a very loving person; and she mentioned that as well. I thought it was pretty cool that I think he was speaking to us way before we saw this lady. My mom had a dream about him last night and when I was on my way to my mom's house the song "See you again" came on the radio and when we were leaving the Hidden Sage it came on again. That was definitely a sign! He is always with us. My mom has these angels sitting on this table by her couch and she always noticed that they move a little here and there and she always thought she was crazy but Brenda told her that she isn't crazy that it is John trying to get her attention and now we know. I also noticed the whole time I was sitting there I felt his presence. She always mentioned that there is going to be a lot of changes in my mom's life but it's going to take time. She is going to publish books but she has to believe in it and that she will finally get out of her apartments of 20 years. I do truly believe that! She always said that John is looking over my nephew Everest and that is a sensitive boy and that Everest reminds him of himself. Which I can see and makes sense. That way that he is a daredevil he does need a guardian angel over him...lol. When Johanna was little she would always see John and talk to him and now I noticed that Avien my other nephew and Johanna's other son used to do that as well.  I don't know if he still does. I think I am definitely going to go back to her. Apparently she wasn't done reading my mom because she told my mom that she needs to come back and I know that she will. What a good experience today!

Brody's 7th Birthday

Brody is now 7!

I can't believe he is already 7. He turned 7 on the 11th and had his party the same day. His favorite color is blue. He likes bad guys in movies. He loves zombies, mummies, and dinosaurs and snakes. He keeps me on my toes that is for sure but he makes me laugh all the time. He reminds me so much of myself and my brother Justin. If you look at a picture of Justin when he was little and Brody now and they look so much alike.

We had his birthday at Boondocks!

He originally wanted his party at Classic but most of the packages you had to do skating and he doesn't like skating so he then decided on Boondocks. They were the same price so it wasn't a problem. He had so much fun! Even though Daddy didn't come because he was sick but it turned out great. Boondocks was a lifesaver and my family were wonderful and helped out a lot!

He had a minecraft cake!

We looked everywhere for a Minecraft cake. It was a pain in the butt! I guess they are hard to find. We finally found a place that could make it; Bowman's. We think they did an awesome job!

I loved all of his expressions when he opened all of his gifts! He loved every single one of them! And that makes me happy.

His loot!

Thank you to everyone that came! We really appreciate everything that day. Sorry it took me so long to post!!

The life of Aizlynn Burningham

Today I went to my dear friend's daughter's funeral. I have a lot of thoughts running through my head. It could also be the fact that Daisy turned 2 months old today. It seems like funerals and viewings always end up when she is turning a month old and so forth. I hope it isn't a bad thing and it's just bad timing. I thought I would write it down and what I was going to say if I went to the luncheon today. The funeral was all the way in Eagle Mountain and I didn't feel like driving around all of Eagle Mountain when I didn't know where I was going and plus I didn't know the area very well. I thought going to the funeral was good enough support. I couldn't send flowers or money so this was the best way. I wished I would of went because maybe I could of said all of this to her. Her daughter was born around the same time as Sienna so I always felt a closeness with  her. I always wanted to compare our children's milestones and when Aizlynn was diagnosed with SMA (Spinal Muscular Atrophy Type 1) when she was a baby I didn't understand why or the whole definition. I thought it was unfair that she was diagnosed with this. And when she got her feeding tube once again I didn't understand; I didn't understand how long she was suppose to have it and everything like that but as time went on I understood everything. I understood that she was perfect in every way and that she didn't have to be tested on this earth. I also understood that she has wonderful parents that were picked out specially for her. I think why I had such a hard time at the beginning because our kids were both the same time, I am very thankful that we stayed in touch and are friends on Facebook because it was nice to see Aizlynn and her sister grow up. You could so tell the love that this family had for each other. They were a huge example. I was always praying for them and always thinking about them. It's never good when you lose a child but we all know that she is no longer in pain and she is in heaven running around with the other angels. I know that her family will see her again! I am just very grateful that my children are healthy and I hope they stayed that way. We all take for granted that we can breathe normal, eat normal, walk and talk and run and move. We should no longer take those things for granted because some people don't have the pleasure to do those things. I know that I am going to try to not take those things for granted in memory of Aizlynn. I know that she taught me a lot just following her family on Facebook. My thoughts and prayers goes to that whole family. It can't be easy loosing a child.