August 28th 2014

I feel like people are questioning my decisions as a mother especially what happened to me recently. Like they feel like I am going to hurt my children which I would never ever hurt my children. I love them more than life itself. I haven't told many people this but I am ready now because I feel like it's eating me up inside and I need to let it out. And plus if I can help out one person out there than I have done my job. So before anyone goes on to read this please do not judge me. If you judge me than you can stop right there because I don't need it. And if you tell me that their ruling was right I don't need that either. I already feel defeated as a mother as it is.We all need to be aware of how we act in public or anywhere else for that matter. Because people see you and judge you. I saw this quote on facebook and I totally believe it. "It doesn't matter how good of a person you are there is always someone out there criticizing you."
       Me and my kids were at Kent's on August 28th shopping for food. It was a payday and I was stressing out like any other mom out there. I tried to go shopping but Sienna was acting out. So I left the store but I didn't leave the store quietly. I admit I made a scene and it wasn't the right thing to do at any means. I should of never made a scene but I can't think of the would have's or the would not's. What happened is what happened. While I was making a scene in the parking lot there was several people standing in the parking lot. First of why would there be 7 people standing in the parking lot? That is to me is asking for trouble. Once I go shopping I get out of the store and leave the parking lot. I don't stand there and talk. And second they should of stayed out of business. I don't get in anyone's business. When I go to the store or anywhere else for that matter I keep to myself. To make a long story short they called the cops on me and claimed that I slapped Sienna on the face which I didn't. And Rocky can testify that. I maybe slapped her butt. But I don't think there is anything wrong with disciplining your children in public. The cops came to my house and saw no evidence of child abuse but still charged me with a Misdemeanor in Child abuse. I didn't get it. When I got that charge it felt like a slap to my face. It was like a punch to the gut. I wouldn't wish this on anyone not even my worst enemy. I am not a child abuser but that isn't what everyone else saw. These people don't know me. They don't know who I am. They don't know who my kids are and they judged me, I think that was totally wrong. I try my best not to judge anyone for the decisions that they make in life and I feel like that I shouldn't be judged at all either. I feel like there is a sting operation going on at Kent's because several weeks later I saw another cop come out of Kent's. Like it has happened before. I feel like Kent's doesn't know what is going on in their parking lot or they do and they don't give a crap.
      I went to court and when I walked into the court my intentions were way different than when I walked out. I was planning on pleading not guilty because I didn't do anything wrong. And I wasn't going to take any pleads but that didn't work out either. I thought I was going to go in there and plead my case to the judge but it didn't go that way. I first saw the Prosecutor and I felt like he was out to get me even before I step into his office. He told me since there was 7 witnesses and they saw what they saw that I had no chance in court. That if my case would of went to trial than I would of lost. And I asked him even if I had witnesses of my own to testify that I am not a bad mother and that I don't abuse my kids and he said that wouldn't of matter because my witnesses weren't there. Even though there was no physical evidence that I abused Sienna that wouldn't of matter. You think pleading not guilty and standing up for yourself is a lot better than guilty but it isn't. This law system is so screwed up. They just want your money. And that is what he is going to get because he gave me a Plea in Abeyance and what that means is that I have to pay a fine, go to the parent classes that I signed up for and not get in trouble for 12 months and it will be all erased from my records.You got to think I have never been in trouble with the law before and I am not planning on ever again. But in a way I am not ok with that because slapping me with guilty made me feel like shit. Sorry for the language but that is really how I felt. I left that court room in tears. I felt like the worst parent in the world and I still do.
    I am always second guessing things all the time. I always question if I made the right decision, I am still dealing with this and I haven't even started the classes but I think opening myself and teaching others will be the first step. I am ready to move on with this and become a better mom because right now I don't feel like that right now. I feel like I let my kids down as a mother. I had so much support throughout all of this and appreciate all of the support. But I still feel like people all around me are judging my actions and I feel like I am more aware of my actions. I am getting better at that. I just can't wait until all of this is behind me and I can move on with my life. I know I am not guilty but that isn't what the paper says. Either way I would of had to pay something. And since I plead guilty I lost my right to stand before the judge and I lost my right to stand in front of the witnesses. I hope I don't ever see them again. I don't even know what they look like. That just shows that I wasn't even paying attention to them, It felt like the prosecutor was on the witnesses' side and anything I said would of done nothing, You think physical evidence would range over witnesses any day but I guess that isn't the case. I just have to keep thinking about the positives. At least I didn't go to jail and at least my kids weren't taken away. I have to think that prospective, I am trying.

Defeated

Some days I wonder if I am good mom or not. And today is one of those days. I don't know what I am doing wrong about the potty training milestone of Sienna. She doesn't tell me anymore that she needs to go to the bathroom she just sits there and pees in her pants. I don't know about you but I am getting sick and tired of my house smelling like pee. Back in last December we bought her a potty chair and she was really interest in potty training. We would put her on the potty every time we would change her diaper. She was getting real good at keeping her diaper dry and being really interest in potty training so I told Chris that I think she is ready but he thought she was too young. So I told him when she turns 2 in June of 2014 that we are going to start officially potty training her. How I did it with my boys was put them in underwear and they would feel when they were wet and hated that feeling and eventually got the hang of it. So I did it with Sienna. Personally I don't think pull ups work. They never worked with my boys and I feel like pull ups make you lazy because they are just like a diaper. But I thought I would try something new and do both. And when that didn't work I went straight to the underwear thing. She was doing really good. Waking up dry in the morning and would have an accident every now and then. When my brother came to stay with us for a while September 1st he was her potty buddy. That is when she got real good at it. She got to the point where she would let him know when she needs to go and take her to the bathroom before she had an accident in her pants. She did this the whole week that he was staying with us so I thought we were pass the peeing and pooping in the pants. She was pass being scared of pooping in the potty. But it seemed like every since he left she went backwards, I never had this experience with the boys but everyone tells me that girls are harder and different to potty trained and oh boy they were right. I even went back to the start and "tried" to get her to sit on the potty after meals and drinks and before she went to bed and such. And she would fight me to do that so I quit forcing her but it gets back to I am tired of it smelling like pee all the time. I think she is being just lazy but I have practically given up and tried everything. We even went to making a sticker chart for her and she didn't even get excited about that. It seemed like she didn't even care. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like having her go back to diapers but that is taking another two steps backwards and I really don't want to do that because 1: they are expensive and 2: we are going backwards and I know she would hate to be in diapers and mommy and daddy changing her but what is the difference between that and us having to do laundry all the time. I really would like advice or something to reassure me that I am good mom because right now I don't feel like it especially with everything going on right now.